RELATIONSHIP REPAIR

Step-by-Step Series PART 2: "A Plan!"

I have a gift for you—a plan! It consists of seven steps to help you rebuild or repair a damaged relationship. After today, you won’t have any questions about the next step; you will know exactly what to do.

You and your spouse, partner, teen, or co-worker can break the cycle of negative and harmful behavior by following these seven steps starting today. If you want to repair a damaged relationship, now is your opportunity. The best part is that you and the other person involved can begin this process immediately—there’s no reason to wait. You don’t need anyone's approval or additional help. You can start addressing the issues at hand and take the first steps toward reconciliation with these seven steps.

Many couples, partners, and co-workers find it easier to make excuses or blame someone or something else instead of finding a solution that works. If you want to change your life and your relationships, here’s your chance!

When a relationship struggles, why do we respond in certain ways? For many of us, our responses are influenced by what we learned as children. We tend to mimic the behavior we observe from the adults in our lives. As we grew up, we absorbed lessons from their words, actions, and examples.

What did we observe as children? What did we witness during our teenage years? From childhood to adolescence to adulthood, we learned what behavior looks like under stress based on the words and actions we experienced in our homes. Now that I am an adult, how do I behave? How do I respond to situations? Ultimately, it all goes back to what I observed.

This is not meant to condemn anyone's parents; it’s simply a fact. We, along with our parents, learned our core relationship values and behaviors by listening to the words and observing the actions of those who raised us. We looked up to these figures, whose words and actions served as examples of how to respond under stress. The behaviors we witnessed and learned are now the ones we use in our own lives.

Many families that disagree or fight often lack a plan. They don’t have a clear set of steps to follow after saying, “Can’t we just move on?” As a result, the cycle continues—time and time again, from family to family and generation to generation, affecting relationship after relationship.

When we seek help or advice from friends or family members who care about us, what's the common response we often hear? It's usually, "Get professional help," right? And when we first start counseling, what’s the typical excuse we give? We often say, "We don't know how to communicate." Have you heard this statement before? Have you ever said it yourself?

Here’s a fact: Those who want to repair, reconcile, or rebuild their relationships start at the beginning.

Mental health and relationship studies indicate the top three issues in troubled relationships revolve around money, sex, and children. The first element that needs to be addressed in a troubled relationship is ‘identification’ of the harm. What act or action caused/is causing the pain? And why? Let’s look behind the veil!

To repair a damaged relationship, it’s first necessary to recognize and understand that every troubled event has three levels of pain. Now notice I said event, not relationship. Every harmful event has three pain levels that must be acknowledged and addressed.

First is the manifested ‘act or action’. When one person does something harmful to another, whatever that act or action may be, it’s destructive to the relationship. The primary level of pain is associated with the act. “Why did you do that?”

The second level is ‘betrayal.’ This is where deeper hurt resonates. At this level, indignation sets in, and deep emotional pain exists. Level two is where the act ‘cuts like a knife.

‘Finally, level three is ‘broken trust.’ No matter the issue, problem, or action(s), these three levels of pain exist. All three are real, so all three must be part of the repair process for our seven steps to succeed.

But wait, there’s more! Two additional agreements must be established. First, both parties need to be willing to discuss the issue openly and honestly. Second, both must commit to going through all seven steps together. Why is this important? The seven steps don’t directly solve the problem; rather, they guide us on a path toward repair. Like other behavioral change programs, they are effective only if both parties fully embrace and engage with the process.

Join me next time for Part 3, “Purpose”.